MarriedToWildflowers

It’s taken years for me to be able to write this post. I guess I just never wanted to officially come to terms of our dysfunctional relationship. While you were an amazing human being to most people, you were pretty crappy when it came to those closest to you.

The best years of our relationship happened when you found out you were dying of cancer. You took two years of energy trying to create memories for me that I could remember for a lifetime. It took you DYING to realize that all of your memories of me were from when I was a little girl. Let me set the scene… 🎥

Have you ever heard of someone being completely present and absent at the same time? No? Please allow me to explain! ❤️

Growing up, my dad was always minutes away from me at all times and it seemed like he was always one phone call away when it benefited his agenda. If my dad was hanging out with other fathers, he thought about me. If my dad was trying to impress a woman, he thought about me. If my dad wanted to make himself appear like he was a fantastic father in front of church members or individuals at his job, he wrote me in the script. It was kinda odd actually but I just saw it as me being able to spend time with him. I overlooked a lot of his shitty ways because I wanted to believe that he wanted to be around me & it just wasn’t a good time. I was wrong.

There was only one woman outside of my mom who made sure that my dad made time for me. She was my FAVORITE step-mom and boy was their relationship rocky. Don’t get me wrong, they both had their flaws but my dad took it waaaaaay too far & lost his temper with her 99.925% of the time. I’m not saying that she didn’t know how to push his buttons but he could have handled himself much better and walked away from the situation. Most people had heard stories about how abusive my dad was when it came to women disagreeing with him but somehow, people still thought he was a saint. He would mentor young guys and then turn around and treat the women in his life like they were complete strangers & become very physically abusive. He would often get upset with me for calling him out and telling him how wrong he was (he would call it picking sides) but I stood by my decision. My dad abused women & people knew it and said nothing.

My dad moved to a different state after his failed relationship with my FAVORITE step-mom. When he moved, I lost contact except for Facebook. At one point, I didn’t even know his address & reached out to send him a Christmas card & he didn’t want to give it to me. It hurt my feelings but I was older and wasn’t going to push it. I would pray that one day he would care for me like he made the people around him think he did. Some of the members of dads family even believed that my mom tried to keep him away from me when in fact, he didn’t want to be there. I went several years without hearing from my dad & then one day after college he called.

My dad wanted to let me know that he had cancer & was dying. He wanted me to know they said that he may have two years to live & he wanted to make up for all the lost time. My dad called to cram 26 years of abandonment into 2 years. I remember crying and being upset knowing that my dad would be leaving forever but being happy that he thought of me. I was finally going to get the dad that I always wanted. Over those two years we went golfing, to his favorite restaurants, he took me around to meet family I never knew existed, there were photos and smiles, holidays, music & love! He taught me life lessons and how to fix things on my car. I had the dad that people talk about having & then, he died.

How could this happen!? We were just starting to have a relationship & he was ripped from me! After my dad died, members of his family began to tell me how I was never there. How I was never around and how I never called. They begin to ask me why I was crying because my dad loved me & wanted to spend time with me and I would always turn him down. Then it hit me, he convinced them that I was the bad guy. My dad had convinced members of his family that I didn’t want to see him & made it look like he was hurting. My dad had even told people that I didn’t attend his final wedding because I didn’t want to see him get married when I didn’t even know about it. My dad had spun our entire relationship to make it seem like I was the one who abandoned him & didn’t make time. AIN’T that some shit?!

To those of you who actually believed him, I pity you. To those of you who said he was like a father figure, I pity you. To those of you who he fooled into thinking he had only been married twice, I pity you & to those of you who thought I was never there, I pity you. To his family that had the audacity to try to check me while I grieved, I hope you learned something & feel like shit. Dad fooled us all. He got us good and some of you he got even better, stupid!

To the dad I wish I had… You were supposed to show me what love was. You were supposed to teach me and shield me from harm & you didn’t. I am very fortunate to watch my husband raise our son & see him be a good father. I now know what having a great dad looks like, I watch my husband do it everyday. I appreciate the two years we got to spend together and I will cherish them but I can no longer pretend that you were a fantastic father because you weren’t. I still love you & I still hope you found peace before your passing. I forgive you & I hope that you forgave yourself.

To the dad I get to see… Co, I love you & Happy Father’s Day! Thank you for loving me through trauma. You really are a blessing and Lo is very blessed to be able to grow up and learn from you. Thank you for always being there and loving Graham the way that you have. Thank you for loving our Sammy with your whole heart. Thank you for being you & being strong. I will follow you anywhere (except the pool at 8am). ❤️

Happy Father’s Day to the good Dads.