MarriedToWildflowers

Oh hey! I know it’s been awhile but I have been taking time to truly find myself. This journey has definitely been eye opening and I appreciate everything I’ve learned along the way. I guess you have guessed from the title that I figured out what the root of my anxiety has been. I have had a serious issue with people pleasing! By people pleasing, I don’t mean the inability to say “no” but instead the constant worry and dread of concerning myself with other people’s feelings or how I may effect them with my decisions.

Yes, you read that right. Imagine how stressful it has been to not be able to live MY life the way I want to because I’m concerned about how it may make someone else feel. I’m sure you’re thinking I’m insane for wanting to make sure everyone’s feelings are spared but am I?

I’ve made emotional sacrifices in relationships involving my marriage, family relationships, career choices, volunteer work, my emotional well-being and even my friend choices. I’ve been so concerned with treading lightly that honestly, most people don’t know the real me. Am I being fake? I don’t think so but I took the “when they go low, you go high” thing to heart. I realized that by making these sacrifices, people truly believed that they were putting me in my place (yes, I’ve actually had someone tell me this) without recognizing that I’m holding back for the betterment of all involved.

That brings me to the current… I decided on my birthday, I would start matching energy. What you present to me is what I would present back. If you’re kind, I’m kinder. If you’re short, I’m shorter. If you’re an asshole, well, I’m the whole ass and I began to realize, I don’t suffer from depression anymore. Seriously, the thing that caused me the most stress and anxiety was me!

I was beginning to lose who I was because I was so concerned with how people saw me. I didn’t want to be 100% motherly to our son because I was concerned that I would be stepping on his birth mothers toes. I didn’t want to speak up when I knew something wasn’t right because I didn’t want to make someone else feel stupid. Even with me taking the high road those relationships couldn’t be saved because I was introducing an unauthentic version of myself who really was a pushover.

But now, I’m awake honey and I refuse to bow to anyone but Jesus. I’m perfectly okay with not having a relationship with my husbands ex spouse. I’m content with putting mine and my families needs before others, I’m content with being the bad guy and it has worked out beautifully.

My search for peace was causing me mental chaos and sometimes, it takes years to realize that. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because I stopped letting people walk over me. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been because I’ve put myself first for once. My marriage has improved, my motherly role has improved because I’m no longer looking at him like a step son. He became my son when I married his Father and no amount of ignorance can change that. My friendships have improved because I no longer tolerate betrayal and my relationship with Christ has improved and I’m so thankful for grace.

I hope you read this with an open mind and clear understanding. I am who I am and I love me for that. If you’re offended, be offended. If you’re hurt, be hurt but I refuse to live for anyone else going forward.

So, with that being said, allow me to reintroduce myself.